Life Quotage

These are the voices in my life.

Nick: “Oops had a brain fart there.”
Ryan: “That was more like a brain poop.”

Ryan: “You getting older seems weird, you still seem young.”
Me: “I could have gotten married last year!”
Ryan: “But no one was interested.”

Ryan: “Oooooooh! mousse jello!… nahhh… My moose doesn’t need jello”

Nick: “Tofts has a milk brand?
Dad: “Yes my friend, they are a dairy… that’s why they make ice cream.”

Me: “So how much is lipo nowadays???”
Ryan: “Just a little bit more than a less than a lot…”

“Ryan: *while playing scrabble*: “Can I spell weeny?”
Nick: “Sicko!”
Ryan: “Not that kind of weeny you perv!”

*I’m singing in the van as a man walks past*
Ryan: “Shhhhh! it’s a man”

Me: “Whoaa he has no pants on!” *about 300*
Ryan: “Well he barely has any clothes on when he’s dressed… what do you think he’d wear to sleep in?”

Ryan reported he was going to make a knock off of Lucky Charms cereal called -In My Tummy Yum-Yums-… He said it would be full of unicorns and flowers and rainbows. When asked if there would be any marshmallows in it, he replied, “Oh! Those are the marshmallows. I haven’t decided what shape the crisps will be… or really, if there is any need for crisps at all!”

Ryan: “If you want to make Mike Tyson angry, call him a homo.”
Me: “He just makes grills now.”
Ryan: “You mean George Foreman.”
Me: “Yeah.”

*I had just completed trying to help Ryan wrap a blanket turban.*
Ryan: “You FAIL at wrapping turbans. You would make a TERRIBLE terrorist wife!”

*Nick and I were eating string cheese during lunch one day…*
Nick:”The Cheesehead string cheese is the worst. I mean it doesn’t even peel! Who wants to eat JUST a stick of cheese?!”

*Ryan had just finished bringing in groceries when…*
Ryan: “No worries your eggs are safe”
Me: “Wait, what???”
Ryan: “…. The eggs from the grocery store…”
Me: “Oh, yeah… thanks for specifying.”
Ryan: “You’re the one that asked!”

Me: “I am SO happy I don’t have to do anything this weekend!!!”
Ryan: “I feel sooo privelaged to be able to be watching this Miralax commercial.”

Nick: *to me* “You’ll probably just chop your boyfriend’s feet off!”
Me: “Huh?”
Nick: “Because you think feet are so gross…” *puts his foot on mine*
Me: “Ew!!!!” *jerks away*
Nick: “See!”
Ryan: “No, Nick, she thinks YOUR feet are gross. You have that weird skin thing on the bottom.” *to me* “He has like gangrene, but he made a treaty with it… He’s like, ‘Work for me!’ .”

Nick: “Good luck finding a husband…”
Mom: “No, she has God planning that out for her.”
Nick: “He’s not a miracle worker… wait… never mind.”

Nick: “And then in that music video, the gummy bear flips her off…”
Me: “I know! And I was like, sheesh! Gummy bears don’t even have fingers!”

*Ryan and I were singing a rollicking rendition of Airplanes with I as Hayley and he as B.O.B.*
*I dance across kitchen*
Ryan: “What was that?”
Me: “Huh? I’m not even sure what I did, would you rather I do the Hayley Williams’ airplane arm dance?”
*Proceeds to do it*
Ryan: “NO! It looks like- Hayley Wi-lliams shot LSD with B.O.B. Now their flyin’ high like planes.”

*Ryan and I were listening to a Bruno Mars song*
Me: “You know, some generic American artists are OK, but I prefer people who put thought into their lyrics; like Mumford and Sons… Jonsi…”
Ryan: “Oh come on! Jonsi makes up words!”
Me: *sheepishly* “He sings in Icelandic too.”
Ryan: “You think he’s singing in Icelandic. People in Iceland are like ‘Dude, what’s he saying?’ ‘I don’t know… must be English.”

Ryan: “Turns out, chameleons don’t make the best guard pets.”

Me: “If you were queen of the wood, what would you sit on? Like would a stump be okay or what?”
Ryan: “I would sit on a giant elk, and my first order of business would be to make me king. Because, really… I don’t dig the whole queen thing.”

Me: “Hey, could you do something for me?”
Ryan: “Yeah, sure… what?”
Me: “Could you take this exercise ball down to the basement?”
*Ryan picks up sharp nail file from night stand*
Ryan: “I could do somezing elze vis it, eef you like.”

Me: “I need a shower.”
*Ryan smells my head*
Ryan: “Yup, your bun’s getting a little gamey.”

*My friend Robyn to me*
“For not ever having sex, you sure know a lot about sex.”

*Ryan while watching Transformers II*
“Always take the lesser of two sluts.”

Ryan: “Who knew that Gerber makes baby food AND knives!?”

*We recently took an extensive out-west vacation where we saw both the Grand Canyon and Mount Rushmore. At the Grand Canyon, we were constantly confronted with the statement that the “Colorado River carved the canyon over millions and millions of years.” As we were driving home from the Mount Rushmore park, Ryan remarked…*

Ryan: “And it’s amazing how the Colorado River carved that over millions and millions of years… oh, wait… is that the wrong thing???”

*Ryan and I were eating peanut drumstick ice cream cones.*
Ryan: “You know, I think I like the ones that are just chocolate. It seems like there’s more chocolate content.”
Me: “I know, but I like the peanut variety… not necessarily because I like peanuts that much, but mostly because I like the general… aura… of the drumstick better with them.”
Ryan: “Soooo, basically you’re saying that you like the look of nuts.”

4 thoughts on “Life Quotage

  1. Emily says:

    I laughed over all these again. I really should start recording some of those moments that happen around here. 😀

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